So here it is, the 29th of November 2011 and so much has happened this year in my life. It seems as I've moved along through the poetry writing and art, it has maintained it's own journal. I'm not sure how many of you truly follow my blog(s) and the work I have put in, and the time lapses between it all, however let me fill you in a bit....I have over a number of years lived INSIDE a box in a manner of speaking. I blamed myself because they were also part of some choices I had made, but some of these were also not a choice at all....a placement created by me but controlled by another..but I really tried desperately to believe that I was not getting abused, I was too strong to allow that to happen to me...I wasn't being beaten....so I wasn't being abused....we never stop to think enough about our inner being. Mine was being torn apart, verbally and emotionally. I cast into my writing the sense of dreams when it comes to love and it's meaning, my imaginary views of what it should and shouldn't be. My head was always there focused on it, though true to life it depicted many tears. Why am I telling you these things in my most personal life? ~ It is part of why I have faded a bit online...to rectify the situation, to understand it and myself better, to make life better for not just me but for my little girl. It can be hard to face facts, but children see, feel, and know when a parent is unhappy, the shame is staying that way and having a child grow to thinking that is okay...because it isn't okay. It's not okay for people to treat another like garbage, to take everything of value in the heart and crush it, to go through name calling and ridicule, to make threats, to make up some rule to control another that is supposed to be "loved." and manipulate you into believing it.... ~ I sought help for my situation and encountered some amazing and incredible people who know and understand more about these kinds of things. It was so important for me to get the help necessary for my LIFE, to get a grasp on it for myself, and not online, and not on a telephone because that was all I had access to, to the outside world. I had become so disconnected it is difficult to reconnect. I fumble, not sure how to speak at times, don't speak...but I'm getting better and as each day goes by getting stronger and life is getting a bit easier, and I know, I know I CAN do it, I WILL do it, and I have family that are by my side to help when I feel like crumbling, I have supportive friends that are basically like an extended family giving me the extra nudge forward. ~ I can still dream, still imagine, but now it is for the want rather than the need to do so....
and I move forward to working on a huge painting started some time ago now...though time seems to have moved fast....and I am inspired...in the world of the LIVING.
